I'm very distracted.

There was a spider in the corner of my wall by my bed and I tried to kill it with my swiffer but it just fell and now I have no idea where it went. I just hope I can fall asleep now! (I also have a headache...boo!)

I wonder what you're doing and what you're up to but I know I'll find out things like that much after the fact. This week is going to be busy for me, as well as next week. Sounded like you'll be in the same boat. I'm not going to lie, sleeping in this morning felt AWESOME though! I didn't realize that I think I was up around 6 everyday this past week so we could talk. If I told anyone in my family this they probably wouldn't even believe me. Lol. I still wonder now how things will work out with us talking for the next two weeks but I guess we will just figure it out as usual! Muah!

Letter #1

Your email to me on Saturday, December 15th, 2012

Beautiful,
I feel so lucky to have met you, you are everything I could have ever asked for. Before we met I was just walking through life, getting by each day, hoping the next would be better. I didn't think that there was someone still out there like you. I know I came on strong at first and you told me to give you space, which was not what I wanted to hear, but I couldn't walk away. Talking to you made me feel so good inside. I started smiling again just randomly throughout the day. I was happy for the first time in almost 6 years! And yes, that is a true statement. There was always a dark cloud over me, there was always something not right. You give me the feeling of trust, I forgot what that was like. I know that the next few months are going to be hard, but I know it's going to help us build a strong foundation for the future to come. I can't wait to hold you in my arms again.

You are something special.

After talking to you this morning I couldn't get you out of my head. I really do feel lucky to have you in my life. I did do a lot to push you away at first, and felt like I had plenty of reason you'd want to stay away. First, let's just state the obvious, I live two states away from you. Second, I flip-flopped between hot and cold with you at first because after just getting out of a crap relationship I was more than a little jaded about men in general and assumed you'd be no different. Third, I had my own personal bomb to drop on you which is a deal breaker for many people.

And then you became the exception to the rule. Being two states away didn't stop us from spending every weekend together for a whole month in a row. You didn't give up on insisting I give you a chance and yet at the same time you respected the boundaries I drew to protect myself. Most surprisingly, is how you have accepted me for me, including all my flaws, and never made me feel any less or different than any other girl.

So why does it seem like no big deal to me to still want to talk to you even though you got deployed for 9 months and after we had only gotten to spend 2 and half months together? Well, I guess it's because you just accepted all of the "stuff" mentioned above like it was easy. It is admirable, flattering, and wonderful how you never gave up on me so I don't find it so difficult to wait around for you. Not to mention the fact that I can actually talk to you, laugh with you, and feel like someone truly cares for me just as much as I care for them. I've told you before that this is the first time in a long time where I feel completely 100% comfortable being myself around someone. I don't know if I can even begin to convey how important I have found this to be. I wish I could be in your arms telling you this and saying thank you for being you and being in my life. Muah!

While you were out...

So I am bummed right now that I haven't gotten to see your face or hear your voice today. I know I've gotten spoiled seeing you every morning and evening for the past few days!

My day started off with a phone call about babysitting. It was a mom who is somehow related to Erica and who's children I have babysat before, asking if I was free this evening for a few hours. I figured why not? I knew I could use the distraction.

I then went to my supervision meeting. I met a new woman who I have been emailing back and forth about accessing our "cloud" documents and updating her information. I do not like her. I don't think I'll be able to stand her and here is why. She emailed me this morning to pass the buck about updating her information, basically saying here is my info, you enter it into the appropriate documents, as if I worked for her. Then I asked her in person today if she has been able to gain access to our documents in the "cloud" and she just said, "Oh, I haven't even tried." Wtf?! I've been emailing her about this for weeks?! All of the other Counselors old and new figured it out and updated their info ASAP. Not this "special" lady. Basically, after my meeting was over I had a one-on-one with my supervisor who also let me know that she does not like her, this person has no-showed for meetings twice already, and we both felt her attitude of entitlement reeked! I'm glad I have her information now but if she thinks for one second that I'm going to do her job for her she is going to learn things the hard way. When everyone is on the contact list except her I hope she looks like the lazy idiot she is! Grr

Writing this reminds me, my supervisor also put me in charge of finding a location for our holiday staff party, I need to get on that!

Work with the Robertson's was the same old thing. Babysitting for the Hogan's was fun. Their son Charlie is in third grade and is very well behaved. He has some strange ticks or OCD behaviors but nothing problematic. The daughter, Tobi, is a firecracker of energy and in the first grade. She is a natural born negotiator, trying to negotiate things with her Mom and me, from homework to dessert! I told her to continue to hone her craft and she can be a professional negotiator someday. Since she's only in first grade this went right over her head but she's definitely on a good roll already.

As I lie here in bed I wonder when I'll be hearing from you again. I also wish I could ask how your day was. As always, I hope you are safe and happy. Missing your face. Muah!

I worry...all the time!

Yesterday, I couldn't sleep because I was worried about my thesis. Tonight, I am worried about you. Why did I have to get an FRG email saying that one soldier was killed and three others injured in Afghanistan the same day I learn you are going on an overnight mission? All I can do is trust that you are doing everything you can to stay safe, meanwhile I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. When you read this know that I was missing you and thinking about you. XoXo!

Holiday fun with Nolan and Avery!

So this is my first attempt at blogging via my phone, hope all goes well. Nothing too crazy went down today as I was just babysitting but, fun was had! First, Nolan and I tackled making gingerbread cookies. Considering that my sous-chef was 4 years old, they turned out pretty damn awesome if I do say so myself. They were soft, uniform in size, and pretty tasty.

Next, we tackled the pièce de résistance, also known as a Gingerbread House! Nolan took this task very seriously. He patiently watched and waited while I constructed the "house" and let the "glue" set for the entire suggested 15 minute waiting period. I then quickly gave him a tutorial on how to use the frosting "glue" and let him loose. The photos of him concentrating on his masterpiece are hilarious. Avery stopped by to watch and to either attempt to swipe some candy or be treated to a gingerbread cookie.

We finished off the afternoon with candy cane hot cocoa while doing arts and crafts. Nolan made a Santa Claus, Avery made a Snowman, and together they contributed to a standing foam Christmas tree.

The rest of the evening went as usual, dinner, bath, and bed. All pretty smoothly too! Maybe it was the fun-filled day or the fact that with one easy reminder that "Santa's watching," and behavioral miracles happen, but both kids were great today! It's actually days like today that make me excited about being able to do things like this with my own family someday. It's already a Christmas tradition that I go over to my Nonna's house to make cookies every year, maybe someday, just like with Nolan, I'll be making cookies with my own kids. But there is still plenty of time for that!

A confession.

I was so happy that I got to hear from you today! Since our previous Skype session had been cut to 15 minutes because I had to get to work, I wasn't sure when I'd be taking to you next, and since it was already almost 11pm your time I had already tried to accept that we were most likely not going to talk today. But then, as usual, you surprised me!

I know you noticed that at the end of our conversation today I looked sad. I was feeling sad. My confession is that I want you to know why. When you talk to me about your divorce or how you and your ex treated one another I feel incredibly sad. Don't get me wrong, I want to always be there for you and I will listen when you need someone to just listen. In fact, I think that when you start talking about your past, the best thing to do, and what I usually do, is just listen. I know it is not my place to judge or weigh in, as it is in your past and maybe talking about it every once in a while is how you sort through or try to make sense of things. I just need you to know that sometimes it is hard to hear. It makes me sad to know that you were that angry, hurt, and sad at one point. On one hand, when you talk about how you treated Jasmin afterwards, I get it, I would have been pissed too, but on the other hand it scares me because I hope you never get angry and want to treat me that way. I was also a little disappointed that we had to end our conversation on that kind of note.

Mike, I care about you and enjoy the time I get to talk to you immensely! I want you to always feel like you can talk to me about anything. I guess my only request is that when you want to talk about your past relationship, you pause and are just mindful of why you are bring it up. Is it relevant to an issue at present or are you just letting out pent up anger? I'm trying to explain this now so that if someday I ask you to stop, or change the subject you might have a better understanding as to why. It is not that I do not care, the opposite really. It hurts to hear the pain you still carry from a memory that I can never erase.

I try so hard not to notice...that you're not here.

Today was pretty boring and normal. I went to the clinic but only had one client today. I also went to work at the Robertson's. There was a lot of laundry lying around the house and I was actually happy to throw myself into the task of sorting, folding, and organizing. Sometimes I think I missed my calling and that I should have been a professional organizer; Erica agrees. At one point I had almost her entire house organized and while she loves it, and I occasionally enjoy the sense of escape that comes from focusing on the challenge of organization, I got tired of being the only one trying to keep the organization up. She told me she used to be just like me and that I will change once I have kids, but it sure didn't change my mother, and I like being able to find things where they're supposed to be. It saves time, stress, and looks so much neater!

On another note, I was brave today and talked to both your Mom and your brother! First, I bought the six pack as a thank you for your brother's help the other day. I Googled good Mexican beer and went with Dos Equis Ambar. I've never seen anyone drink that specific beer, but an article rated it as the best one, and I sure as hell am in no place to judge, so that's what your brother got. We chatted briefly and he said that if I ever wanted to just hang out sometime, to get him out of the house, he is in need of people to hang out with in this area. I'm not sure we would have anything in common (except you of course) and I didn't want to be rude, so I explained that I don't really go out much myself but that if he wanted to reach me he should accept my friend request on Facebook. Honestly, I want to know what you think about this?

As for your mom, we both parked outside at the same time today. Your brother had the driveway blocked with your truck so she had to park in front of the Robertson's house where I usually park. She told me she would move and I told her not to worry she could definitely park there and it was no trouble at all. I had just pulled in front of her car instead. I also took the opportunity to let her know that you would really like to have her Skype name and other contact information, such as her email address. Hopefully she will email everything to you soon!

Now I'd just like to say not knowing how long I won't be able to hear from you sucks. Will it be 3 days, a week, several weeks? I know I'm just stubborn and I like to have all the answers. I understand why I can't know, but I don't have to like it! I'm a "look before I leap" kind of person, I want to know what I'm getting myself into so I can be fully prepared, ignorance is not bliss in my opinion. I'd want the truth every time no matter how ugly or scary. Aaaaand now I'm venting. Lol. I'm just getting mad as I think about several different things right now. Before I went bungee jumping in Costa Rica my older host sister told me not to look down, she didn't understand that until I did look down and could see what I was potentially going to die from, there would be no way I could do it. My father thought it would be better not to share his indiscretions. I just found out this weekend that Gianna kept something from me because she thought it would hurt me (She spied on the last guy I was dating because they were in the same bar and took a photo of him with his arms wrapped around some girl and his face on her shoulder next to her face). I HATE IT when people keep things from me because they claim they did it so I wouldn't be hurt or have to worry. Being made to feel like a blind fool hurts me more, just saying. Also I just read an article about soldiers going on missions and this was how it ended...

"Although the soldiers can communicate with their loved ones via Facebook, email and Skype, they are careful what they say. 'You talk to your loved ones, and you tell them you’re doing all right and everything’s fine, really, and you just go about your day,' said McClellan, who plans to return to Malone University when he comes home. It’s not prudent to tell them every detail, he said, 'because you don’t want them to worry, and you don’t want to be worrying about them worrying while you’re here.'"

...and I know you'd do that. You are going to not tell me things. Ahhh, ok I'll get over it. I'm done, and tired now.

Last random fact of the night... so this girl Michelle Folk, I went to elementary school with her, she is friends with literally almost half of the people on your Facebook friends list! I was having a small world moment last night. She is even friends with Denelle!

Goodnight & Muah!

Keep Calm & Carry On

I was really happy to learn that you had made it to your final destination, FOB Apache. I hope that you will now be able to settle in for the next 9 months and establish your "home away from home" if you will. Moving and traveling around was clearly stressful for you, and I know how important it can be to have a space to call your own even if it is just a small one!

By the way in my Google research about your base I stumbled across another soldier's blog and a photo of his room arrangements so this is how I'm picturing your room...accurate or no?

Photo Caption: "My room in my tent. It is approximately 8x9. I have the Christmas lights & a small lamp as my primary lights. I prefer it to be dim; the overhead light is just too bright."

Reality has taken hold now (Funny how you told me to give it a week and that then reality would set in...and now here I am...) and I do really miss you. I've told you before I don't really dream about people on an everyday basis, however when I'm really thinking, worrying about, or missing someone I do dream about them. My dream was a little strange to say the least, however the gist of it was that I  had somehow made it to where you are located, found you, and was able to be with you briefly before you had to go back to work and then in order for me to stay there I had to be put to work as well. There was a lot more randomness to my dream but it sounds so silly when I type it out on here that I'm leaving it at just that.

The thought of you being "out" and about and consequently having no contact with you for the next couple of days is difficult for me. I know this is what will be happening a lot from here on out and there is really nothing I can do about it so I'm doing my best to "Keep Calm and Carry On." Lately, I'm just trying to enjoy the moments when you pop into my head because of random things I see. Such as, seeing hand warmers for sale in Target made me think of you, my friend Ruffin also bought a sea otter from her last trip to the Monterey Bay Aquarium and had it sitting on her side table and I instantly thought about mine, then cleaning off my desk today I found I still had the map of the Oakland Zoo from our first date and I remembered how glad I was to have met you and have you in my life now. I hope wherever you are right now that you are safe, warm, and feeling well. Buona notte caro mio. Muah!

So Much Catching Up to Do!

Friday, Novemeber 9th to Sunday, November 11th
I must really like you because somehow the next thing I knew you had convinced me to hop a plane to Washington and I spent the whole weekend with you! To be honest I'm so glad I did it because it was an opportunity to see how you live, match faces to names of all the friends and family you talk about, and to really feel like I could be there for you and support you at a time when you could use it. Leaving you was the hardest part. While missing my flight, flying into another airport, taking trams and BART, and phoning a friend for a ride to my car back at my original airport didn't land me home until 2am, it was all worth it for the extra 30 minutes I spent in your arms saying goodbye instead of leaving. 

Monday, November 12th
So here I was all prepared for you to leave and life threw us both a curve ball! Due to flight plans not being approved to fly over Russia, you get to stay! That is...until you deploy Sunday, November 18th in the morning instead.

Tuesday, November 13th to Sunday, November 18th
I know I should feel so grateful that I had one extra week of communication with you, and I am, but here it is Sunday afternoon and I miss you so much already. A part of me just can't help but be sad knowing that I don't have your call to look forward to at the end of my day. I allowed myself an extra hour in bed this morning to just think about you, hold your sea otter, look at your pictures, and pretend the warmth from my electric blanket was actually from you instead. And so the waiting game begins I guess. I will look forward to your email letting me know you arrived safely, but mostly I look forward to our first Skype conversation that I hope will happen sometime in the next week or two. It's funny, on one hand I worry about how good the connection will be, if I'll have enough to say, how much time I'll have to say it, and yet on the other hand even if we couldn't see each other we might be able to hear each other, and if we can't hear each other but could see one another it would still be enough just to feel connected to you in some way. Muah!

Meeting the Parents *Yikes*

What a wonderful weekend we just had! You surprised me by showing up 10 hours early, with roses waiting for me at my doorstep. I have to admit I was a little flustered because, as those friends who know me best lovingly refer to me as "anal-retentive" when it comes to my cleaning habits, I was a little embarrassed when you caught me with dishes in my sink and floors that had not yet been vacuumed. However five minutes later, it was clear you didn't care and I was excited to have the few extra hours of your company.

I know that all we did on Friday night was go out for dinner and then come back to my apartment, initially to watch a movie together, but instead we spent the next few hours wrapped in each-others arms just talking. It was perfect because I knew we were growing closer. Getting to know the person I'm dating beyond a superficial level and onto a much deeper emotional one is something I have learned through trail-and-error as a necessary condition of a successful and happy relationship. I have to admit it was a little shocking and completely refreshing to find out a "military man" could so easily and openly communicate with me about his own feelings and experiences.

Saturday I was in such high spirits that I wanted to have an adventure. A day trip to Monterey, CA and a visit to the aquarium seemed like a fun and relaxing activity that we could share together. 

 

Since you were there with me I don't have to recap the whole day but I would like to share the moments that I will look back on and remember fondly. In general, THANK YOU SO MUCH for your enthusiasm. From start to finish, going through the whole aquarium, you never once complained you just jumped right in. You didn't let being an adult get in the way of embracing the opportunity to pet sea cucumbers, try to feel a bat ray, or laugh like a teenager at the penguins trying to get it on! I just wanted to have fun and be carefree and man did you deliver. The next thing I appreciated was your very corny and cliche gift of a small stuffed sea otter. I was disappointed that the otters were not on display, but mostly I was disappointed that you didn't get to see them! Just the fact that you gave me a small memento, something I could hold onto literally and remember my time with you, and that hopefully you wanted to remember as well, was simply sweet. I think it is rare to find a guy who can recognize the small moments and value them, instead of just the significant moments they know they will be in trouble if they forget! 

Finally, at the end of the day you introduced me to an old female friend of yours. I'll admit it, while she was on her way to meet us I looked her up again on Facebook to see what she looked like, so I could be prepared to feel inadequate but cover it up to the best of my ability. The fact that she was beautiful, a model, a genuinely sweet person, and someone who has known you for years would have probably sent my insecurity level jumping off the charts if not for one thing... you. You never once made me feel like a third wheel, on the contrary, you held my hand whenever possible, directed conversation equally back and forth, and I sincerely felt like you were proud to have me with you. I have to say that I don't think I can ever recall any man from my past making me feel as secure and admired as you did not just in that moment, but all weekend, and I don't ever want to forget it.

Sunday, a.k.a. "Meet the Parents" day which as far as you were concerned might as well have been a.k.a. "Doomsday" had us both nervous! It was as nerve-wracking, awkward, and embarrassing as one could have hoped, but you navigated your way through it with a calm and genuine sincerity that is your personality. A personality and person, it turns out that not only do I appreciate, but so far one which my parents approve of and my friends are happy I've found. So our journey continues. You're scheduled to deploy on Monday, November 12th, but for now I am going to continue to enjoy our long Skype conversations and daily text messages. Muah!

A Very Good Place to Start...

I get one last chance to say goodbye to you and I already know it will be bittersweet. I still think you are crazy for flying out to see me just for a weekend for the second time in only two months, but I hope you also know how much it means to me. Right now I'm nervous to have you meet my parents. I've never brought home someone like you before. I know very little about the military lifestyle. I realize I better get used to this exploration of the unknown because the next nine months are going to be full of it. Honestly I'm hoping this blog will help, help me to remember where we left off when you deploy, what happens in-between, and how it impacts us. I think that's enough for now...after all, you will be arriving tomorrow and I plan to cherish the next 48 hours I have with you at my side. Muah!